Lisa Velmer Nielsen Advice to ALL presenters. Don't assume audience members are or will be parents. It's offensive to the people for whom that is not true.
I posted this tweet following the Tech Forum conference on Friday. After which I received 16 comments on Facebook, various emails, BBMs, Tweets, ReTweets, and DMs. My boyfriend and others asked what happened? Who said something offensive? There was such a stir, that I felt the topic was worthy of it's very own blog post.
The fact is that nearly every time I go to a conference and oft times at meetings, people make comments along the lines of, "We're not only teachers, we're also parents." or "You always have to wonder, is this a school I'd want my child to go to." or "And, for those of you who don't have children yet, when you do..." or in the case of this conference, "We're all parents or will be one day." Some people I deeply respect make these comments because it never occurs to them that the world is a changin. There are new choices for women whose incomes are now about equal to mens, who have the right to vote, who can purchase land all by themselves. In fact, October will be the first month in which women outnumber men in the workforce, women are holding more management and supervisory positions than men, by a margin of 37 percent to 31 percent, in like-for-like work women and men with the same amount of work experience are earning the same, and women's pay is actually increasing faster than men's. (Read more at: What's Happening To Women's Happiness?). It's hard to believe that it was such a short time ago that things were very different. Today women have new choices and they may have chosen to live a life without children.
Unfortunately, the word isn't out yet to mothers and fathers that this is a perfectly fine choice. People, especially those who speak publicly, need to be aware that there are more and more women who will not have children in their present or future. Assuming the women do, or will have children, is alienating a segment of the population that I contend will be some of today and tomorrow's biggest movers and shakers. I have chosen this life and I am extremely fulfilled. Despite this I have been told by others I am hiding my true feelings, am selfish, and I will regret this one day. To date I have not regretted this decision and I'm not interested in the debate about whether I will one day. The conversation seems as inappropriate to me as one to a parent suggesting they'll regret having their child. Sometimes I wonder if it's something that people with kids need to tell me to make themselves feel better. I can't imagine my telling them they have made a mistake. I should mention there are some, who confide in me (men and women both) that if they had it to do over again, they would have preferred a life without children. Interestingly, those who have said this are the men and women who are the primary providers for their children.
I think it's time that women who have made this choice speak up. We are here. We are growing. We don't need excuses. We are not selfish. And we don't appreciate those who don't honor and value our choices. We are not asking for any approval, and this choice doesn't mean there is something wrong with us. While I acknowledge that most who make the assumption and then the comments about how we are all parents, may be unaware. Now that you are, please be considerate of this new and rising class of citizens and please share with others that we would appreciate if they do the same.
You can View all 16 comments from my Facebook Friends below.
Fri at 8:59pm via Twitter · Comment · Like / Unlike · View Feedback (16)Hide Feedback (16)
You have read this article child free by choice /
childless by choice
with the title The Hubbub About Insensitivity to The Child Free By Choice. You can bookmark this page URL http://machining33.blogspot.com/2009/10/the-hubbub-about-insensitivity-to-child.html. Thanks!
I love my life. Have exciting goals and am happy and fulfilled. I have not felt personally that having children would enhance my life and my work. I know some have felt this was what they were supposed to do and the thought that an alternative exists never had crossed their mind.
I've always been just as happy with my "babies" that are four-legged. I've never had the baby urge and been attracted to them. I don't care for the toddlers or young children, either... Read More.
I, too, feel completely fulfilled with my life and don't feel like there's anything missing. I have had some people tell me I will regret it when I'm old. I think that is a completely selfish reason to have children.
and for the record Lisa, you make a good 'first-cousin-once-removed' (aka 'aunt') to our little girl and I’m sure to many of your friends’ kids as well.
Mon at 8:06pm · Comment · Like / Unlike · View Feedback (17) Hide Feedback (17)
Libby, David, Carol and Franz like this.
Jen
Does your grandma have a facebook page?
Mon at 8:19pm
Di
Surprisingly, my grandmother never actually asked that question. She always figured I was busy doing whatever people do in the big city.
Mon at 8:24pm
Michael
Di's grandmother was only slightly less active on facebook than Diana is.
Mon at 8:36pm
I'd like to read it. I have other friends who would appreciate it. People can really be idiots sometimes.
Mon at 8:37pm
here it is:http://theinnovativeeducator.blogspot.com/2009/10/hubbub-about-sensitivity-to-eternal-non.html
Mon at 8:47pm
I thinks pugs are sufficient and they'll never ask to drive the car
Mon at 9:17pm
Did they have a follow-up article on why some people should just not procreate at all?
Mon at 9:57pm
I think they should have to get a license to procreate- eg. take a course, pass the oral and practical...heh heh...
Mon at 11:03pm
Lisa Velmer Nielsen
Thanks for sharing Di :)))
Mon at 11:07pm
Thanks for the link. Many interesting points. People project their own values and insecurities so inappropriately on so many subjects. I have a single lesbian friend who is pregnant and someone asked her "was it a mistake?". WTF? People also ask her "what is it?" and she will occasionally respond "a kitten" and they look at her like they are ... Read Morehurt (she does not, nor does she want to, know the sex of the baby). Then there is the whole issue of infertility, pregnancy loss and how inappropriate and insensitive we as a society are about those issues. Sigh. I enjoyed reading her blog post and all the comments.
Yesterday at 4:07am
I was "childless" in my first marriage and was fine with that...it worked for us. We were career focused and had goals we wanted to accomplish. In my current relationship, we have 3 daughters (My hubby had two and we had one together)...I can not imagine life without them...they are wonderful, but life is different now. My husband is all about family...I ... Read Moream a stay at home Mom (for now)...I feel like I have had the chance to live two lives. Bottom line is...do what works for you and yes, people need to mind their own business.
Yesterday at 9:01am
--------------------------------------------------------
Further reading Ann Landers' famous "The Childless Couple"