How Do You Really Feel About Bullying?

By Vickie Bergman, who blogs about education and parenting at Demand Euphoria


This is a story about Mary.

Almost every day for a few years, Mary has spent many hours with Peter and his friends, who are very cruel to Mary. They call her terrible names, throw things at her, spit at her, destroy things that are valuable to her. She has started to eat meals in the bathroom when Peter is around, because it is the only place she can escape his torment. She believes she is worthless and has thought about killing herself. Peter has warned her not to tell anyone about the things he does to her or else he will only make it worse for her. He is much bigger than she is, so she has not said anything until now. Mary has finally come to you and shared her story, and she is afraid.

How do you feel about Mary? About Peter? What should Mary do? Do your answers depend on who Mary is, and what is her relationship to Peter? Let's think about some of the possibilities...


1. Mary is 17 years old, and Peter is her boyfriend.
2. Mary is 27 years old, and Peter is her boss.
3. Mary is 37 years old, and Peter is her husband.

In each of these situations, I think the ideal outcome would be for Mary to be able to be removed from the abusive environment. I would encourage and help Mary to remove herself. As quickly as possible. I would give her a hug and tell her that no one deserves to be treated that way. I would reassure her that she would not have to face her abuser again.

Now let's add a fourth case.
4. Mary is 13 years old, and Peter is a classmate.

Do you feel different about this one? I don't. But I know a lot of people who do. People who would tell this Mary that it's probably not as bad as she thinks. That she should try ignoring it. That she shouldn't be so sensitive. That being tormented is part of life.

Some would tell her to fight back against Peter and his friends. Maybe they would advise her to tell a teacher about the abuse. They are certain that the teacher should and can stop whatever is going on. But until it all gets sorted out, she should keep going to the abusive environment (school) every day.

I can't imagine any sane person telling any of the first three Marys any of these things. Why is the fourth case any different?

I don't know if there is a way to "end bullying" in schools. I have a feeling that harsher punishments will not do the trick. But I do know that no one, girl or boy, child or adult, should have to put up with bullying or abuse. No one should have to dread waking up in the morning, when she knows that the day will be filled with torment and harassment. No one should have to feel like the only way to stop the hurt is to kill herself.

You might know someone like Mary in one of the first three situations. You might wonder why she would have so much trouble getting out of it. Why she keeps subjecting herself to the terrible treatment. Or why she has allowed it to go on for so long already. Maybe it's because so many people told her as a child to stop being so sensitive. It's just a part of life. And she tells herself it's probably not as bad as she thinks.

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What If They Choose School?

By Vickie Bergman, who blogs about education and parenting at Demand Euphoria.



Two recent posts on The Innovative Educator blog, Some Good Reasons Not to Go to School and Some good reasons to go to school, gave reasons why a parent might choose or not choose to send their children to school and also attempted to dispel some myths about school and home education. One question inspired by some of the comments was, “Should we let our children decide whether or not to attend school?”  

For me and my family, the short answer is:  
Yes.   

The long answer: 
I have a lot of problems with the way schools are right now, but that is not why my husband and I are choosing not to send our kids. We just don't think school is necessary for us right now, and that is the only reason we need. We have been happy and learning together without school for more than four years, and it has been wonderful. I don't see any reason to stop living that way. And the kids don't either for now.

However, if one of them wanted to try school tomorrow, I would let them. I do not want them to grow up thinking school is some great thing they missed out on because I wouldn't let them go. I want them to be able to form their own opinions about school. And if it requires them to attend for a while to figure it out, then so be it. If they did choose to try school, they would not be forced to commit to it or reach a certain point. They could opt out again anytime .

There are plenty of people who actually liked school, including my husband for one. One of our children might be someone who enjoys school for some amount of time. And that would be all right. It would not mean that we failed as parents. There are more reasons why an unschooling child might want to go to school than just "home isn't fun enough." He might just be curious about it. He might want to see for himself, so he can make his own decision about it.

It also would not mean that we didn't do a good enough job issuing warnings about the dangers of school. In fact, I don't plan on badmouthing school to my kids. Because especially if a child has heard from his parents how horrible and dangerous school is, and then knows lots of kids who are in school who don't seem like they are all that miserable or damaged, that child will know his parents are exaggerating the dangers of school. And he might feel like his parents don't think he can handle school, even though 98% of the population apparently can. Or he might think his parents are trying to hide something really great from him.

An example of this idea is the way we talk about drugs to kids. I grew up hearing about how terrible marijuana was. Education about drugs lumped marijuana in with all the other illegal drugs, so I thought it was just as bad as cocaine or heroin. Then as I got older I found out that lots of people I knew were smoking pot, and they seemed fine. They were not junkies or addicts or criminals. That made me wonder why everyone had made such a big deal about it.

Inflating the risks of something to scare a child out of doing it only works until he can see for himself that it is not as bad as you say. This might only make your child trust you less, and wonder what else you have been exaggerating about.

For now, we are happily unschooling as a family. But unschooling is not a family policy or a doctrine, something I live by or preach. It just describes something we are not doing right now: sending our kids to school. This does not mean school is forbidden. I recently realized I don't need to be anti-school because I plan to continue living without it. What I am is anti-force. I am against forcing my will on my kids. I wouldn't want to force my kids to stay out of school as much as I wouldn't want to force them to attend.

Now, I am aware that homeschooling and unschooling are not for everyone. I know schools are here to stay for a while. But imagine if all children had choices on how to spend their days... even if it were only the choices of which school to attend and which classes to take.

Schools would have to change a lot of things to keep the kids coming in. They would have to compete with each other to offer the most interesting classes and activities with the best teachers and the friendliest policies, in order to stand out.

A school would have to try to appeal to kids, to attract kids, or it would be empty. And why shouldn't that be the case?

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The Burden of Proof

Vickie Bergman blogs about education and parenting at Demand Euphoria.
 

It seems like math teachers do not care enough if you know how to get an answer. They care more that you can prove that you know how to get an answer. Here is an example to illustrate the difference:

I was helping an 11-year-old with his math homework. The assignment was to find the greatest common factor (gcf) for eleven pairs of numbers. He is really good at this. In fact, he figured out the answers to all eleven problems completely in his head, in less than one minute. This should be a good thing. This means he "knows" this concept. On to the next concept! Right? No, wait... what does that say on the assignment? Something about "showing your work..." Yes, that's right, even though this child did absolutely no work to get these answers, he has to write down some work. But not just some work. A lot of work.

So for the pair of numbers (60, 18), the gcf is 6. My little friend got this answer immediately upon looking at the numbers, as anyone who knows the concept would. But instead of writing down "6" and moving on, he has to write all this:

     18             60
      ^              ^
   6   3         6     10
  ^              ^      ^
2  3           2  3  2  5


18 = 2*3*3
60 = 2*2*3*5

Both numbers have one 2 and one 3 in common, so the gcf = 2*3 = 6

An assignment that was completed in less than one minute has turned into an hour-long session of unnecessary writing. He has to write this process over and over again, eleven times, to prove that he knows the steps. Even though he did not use these steps to get the answer in the first place! I don't know a better way to make a kid feel like math is boring and hard and requires tedious processes.

I ask: WHY? Why do teachers do this? It would take one minute of a teacher's time, sitting with this child, to realize he knows this concept. Instead, so much of his precious childhood is eaten up filling out paperwork like this, night after night.

This is a child who is brilliant in math. He often arrives at answers to complicated problems in his head, without writing down any work, and without being taught any steps. Sometimes it takes me ten minutes, after he has already told me the right answer, to explain the steps he needs to write down for his teacher's benefit.

On tests, he often loses for not showing work. I have already shared some of my feelings about tests in general (Part I and Part II). But here is another great example of TESTS (Teaching Everyone Some Terrible Stuff). Now this mathematically gifted child is bringing home test scores in the "C" range, even if most of his answers are correct. This is harmful to both his confidence and his interest in math. How can he ever believe he is good at math if he brings home such low grades? And this will only get worse as he gets older.

I can remember being upset about this when I was a student, but fortunately it did not completely turn me off from my favorite subject. And I have both a Bachelor's and a Master's degree in math to prove it.

This practice is ruining math for our children. Can we please make it stop?

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Quit Happens

Vickie Bergman blogs about education and parenting at Demand Euphoria.

Look at some of the popular "wisdom," in the form of one-liner clichés, about quitting:

1. Winners never quit, and quitters never win. False. First of all, winners sometimes quit. Especially after they win. Second, quitters sometimes win. Sure, maybe if you quit playing baseball, you won't win at baseball anymore. But you can win at other stuff because you aren't wasting your time playing baseball when you don't really want to. And third, what if you don't care about winning? Or what if happiness is a win for you? Then quitting something that takes away from your happiness is an automatic win.

I prefer: Quit while you are ahead. As in, if you have achieved what seems to you to be a satisfactory level of success, and you don't want to do something anymore, then it's ok to quit. Also, if you realize that you are not enjoying something, then quit before you waste too much more time doing it.

2. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. I think there is something missing from the end of this one: if you want to. You don't have to succeed at everything you do. Wait, if you do succeed (win), then you can never quit (see #1). That's confusing.

I prefer this from a guy named Albert Einstein: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Sometimes trying again and again doesn't help. Sometimes it's ok to admit that you are just not going to or don't care to succeed at something.

3. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. This usually gets interpreted to mean "the tough keep doing what they are doing." But you could also read it to mean "the tough get the hell out of what they are doing."

I prefer: If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen. Don't get burned. Getting burned doesn't prove you are tough. It hurts, and it makes you wonder, why didn't I just get out of the kitchen?

4. Never give up. Really? Never? "Never" is a dangerous word. I would say, at least sometimes, giving up is the smartest thing to do.

I prefer: Cut your losses. Or Know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em.  It's fitting that these two are both related to gambling. Because that is one area where it is actually respectable to know when to quit. As for anything else in life, "cutting your losses" might refer to the time you lose doing things that you aren't enjoying. And look at the hand you were dealt. Sometimes it makes more sense to fold.



And here is a new saying for you: Quit happens. By this I mean it happens inside a person. If you have already decided that you definitely want to quit something, then the quitting has essentially already happened. The physical act of leaving a team or not showing up for an activity is secondary to the mental quitting. Think about this the next time your child says he wants to quit something. If his mind is made up, then he has already quit. You can force his body to go to soccer practice, but you can't force his mind to like it.

Are the most successful people you know the ones who never quit anything? Or are they the ones who latch onto something they really believe in, have a talent for, care about, or love, and cut out the rest?

_____
You can read more about this topic in I'm a Quitter and A Kid Who's Not a Quitter?

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A Kid Who's Not a Quitter?

Vickie Bergman blogs about education and parenting at Demand Euphoria.


Last week, there was a segment on the Today Show with "parenting expert" Michele Borba, based on her article entitled How To Raise a Kid Who's Not a Quitter. First of all, I am always suspicious of anyone who writes a "How-to-raise-a-kid-who's-not" article, because I don't think it's possible to use a formula on your child to make him a certain way or not a certain way. Secondly, I recently blogged about how I Am a Quitter, and I don't think it's a bad thing. Why do people think it is important to raise "non-quitters"? Have they thought about what that means?

What does it even mean to "not be a quitter"? Certainly it can't mean that you never stop doing something once you have started. Because no one would qualify. So it must mean something else, like you never quit something because it's hard. Or you never quit something "in the middle" or until you have achieved a certain amount of success.

I'm also assuming that quitting "bad" things like smoking or driving drunk are not seen as negative. So we are only talking about quitting things that not everyone thinks are bad. Like sports teams or performances or other activities.

What if you quit something for a little while, and then go back to it and kick ass at it? Does that count as being a quitter still?

While you are thinking about forming a definition of someone who is not a quitter, here are some things to consider about quitting:

1. Quitting is not forever. Quit is such a harsh word, it sounds so final, like it's too late to start again because you already quit. Look at Michael Jordan. Why is it not all right to take a break from things? I quit college for a year, and then went back. If people had convinced me that I was a loser or a "drop-out" because I was a quitter, maybe I would have thought there was no chance I could go back and finish.
2. Your team might be counting on you... to quit. One of the things people like to say about the consequences of letting your child quit a team, is that he would be letting down his teammates. Let's be honest about this. If your kid is one of the worst ones on the team, he would probably not be missed. And even if he is the best one on the team, maybe his quitting would allow the next best players to shine brighter. In general, any one kid quitting a team leaves more room for the kids who actually want to be there to play even more of the time.
3. Quitting one activity opens up space for other activities. We can't do everything all the time. Maybe your child wants to quit his baseball team because be in the school play. Maybe he quits the school play (if the play can go on without him, which it probably can, see #2) because he gets an unexpected opportunity to travel to an exotic place. Why isn't it better for him to be able to change his mind and choose what he thinks will make him happiest?
4. Quitting something because it's too hard is perfectly acceptable. If it's "too hard" for your child, that means he has decided it's not worth the effort. Why should anyone else be able to decide that for him?
5. You don't "save" money by not letting your child quit. If the money is already spent, then let it go. You forcing your child to continue an activity does not get you the money back. It just tells your child that the money is more important than his happiness.
6. Forcing children to finish what they started might make them afraid to start things. And if they don't think it is safe to try different things, they might miss out on something wonderful. Make it safe for your children to try things.
7. People who try more things are going to quit more things. Practically speaking. Think about it. Every thing your child tries is another thing he will probably end up quitting. Let him try more things! Let him quit more things! This is the best way for him to find things he really loves.

Why do we think we need to "teach" our kids perseverance? If your kids are enjoying something, if they find it valuable, they won't stop doing it. And if they don't, why shouldn't they stop?

Have you thought about what makes someone qualify as "not a quitter"? Because I still have no idea.

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TESTS, Part II: Failing is not Fun

Vickie Bergman blogs about education and parenting at Demand Euphoria.


In my last post, I explained that one thing tests teach you as a student is that you are on your own. This is terrible enough in itself, as it puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on you for no reason, since these kinds of tests rarely pop up in the adult world. But there is another thing that tests might teach you: that there is something terribly wrong with you if you don't do well on them.

The problem is that all through school, many of the tests given in each subject are basically testing the same things over and over again. Memorizing facts or formulas you probably don't care about, for a short period of time. Or writing coherent and well-formed essays about things you probably don't care about, in 45 minutes or less. Or not getting tricked by questions that were specifically designed to trick you.

So how many tests do you have to take before it's pretty obvious how good or bad you are at these things? I wouldn't be surprised if most students who regularly do poorly on tests know when they are going to fail before they even get to school on test days. I think I can understand a little bit how these kids might feel, because there was one kind of test given twice a year in middle school that was a huge problem for me.

Ever hear of the President's Challenge: Physical Fitness Test (PCPFT)? I still feel sick to my stomach when I think about it, even 16 years later. The mile run would have been horrible enough for me on its own (I always came in last), but it was the pull-ups test that afforded me the most humiliation. The worst part of it was that I already knew I couldn't do any pull-ups. If I could have just told the teacher to write down a zero for me, I would have saved myself a lot of trouble. But not trying was not an option. I had to take my turn pathetically dangling from the bar, hopelessly trying to cause enough vertical movement to have it considered even "half" of a pull-up, looking out at my classmates and knowing that I was failing. With everyone watching. When the teacher was satisfied that indeed I could not do any pull-ups, I was released from the bar and he would issue me a written reminder that I did zero pull-ups. He must not have realized that the zero was already permanently burned into my mind.

I can imagine this is what the "unfortunate speller" feels like when he gets his spelling test back every week with a written reminder that, yep, he still can't spell big and irrelevant words well. Or what the kid who doesn't understand math feels like when the teacher calls on him to answer a question in class. Guess what? We already know what we are bad at! We don't need the reminders, public or private. The PCPFT didn't motivate me to get better at running or doing pull-ups. I hated both of these activities, so I wasn't about to spend any of my free time trying to get better at them. I just stuck with the guaranteed semi-annual embarrassment. In fact, the only thing the test motivated me to do was to skip school on the testing days if I could possibly do so.

But I know I was lucky. I only ever had to face my dreaded tests a handful of times. The kids who feel this kind of dread over academic tests do not get off that easily. They have to face their failures much more regularly, and it must be awful.

Also, I was all right with the fact that I wasn't athletic because I was "smart." I did well on all the other tests, so at least I had that. How bad it must feel for kids who can't do well on academic tests! I can see why all of the low grades and disappointed adults would add up to these poor kids feeling like they are stupid or lazy. Like there is something wrong with them. But really, they just might not be good at the one thing that it takes to be considered smart in school. They can't memorize information and reproduce it correctly under pressure. Why is this the definition of "smart" anyway?

I am not saying that there shouldn't be any tests in life. But why can't childhood look more like adulthood? As adults, we get to choose which activities to pursue and which tests to take. We get to decide if a test is important enough to be worth the studying and the pressure leading up to it. And most importantly, if we don't want to, we don't have to take the ones we know we would fail.

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TESTS: Teaching Everyone Some Terrible Stuff (Part I)

Vickie Bergman blogs about education and parenting at Demand Euphoria. 


If you are required to take one test or quiz every week of your school life, you could end up taking roughly 400 of them in twelve years. And you will be required to complete all 400 of these school tests all by yourself. You have to know or correctly guess sixty-five percent of the answers at the time of the test to be considered passing. What will these kinds of tests teach you? Something Terrible: that it is really important to know all the answers. That you are a failure if you don't remember or don't understand or never learned something. How will this prepare you for life after school?


Sure, you could grow up to be someone, like a surgeon or a pilot, who will be faced with making a lot of really important decisions. But even in these high-profile careers, you would have access to help most of the time, when needed. And it would be especially important for you to know when you needed help and seek it out, so you might avoid making a stupid mistake. It would only be in an unusual situation where you would have to make a completely independent decision when you weren't quite sure what to do. But this is why you wouldn't be allowed to perform surgery or fly planes without first amassing lots of knowledge and training and practice specific to these situations. This is different from compulsory schooling because, well, it's not compulsory. Anyone who is in training to be a surgeon or pilot has freely chosen his path, knowing in advance what it will entail, and being free to stop at any point. Any test taken along this path is taken by choice.

Admittedly, there will be some times when all of us will have to make decisions or solve problems without being able to consult a friend, or Google. For example, when driving cars, we have to make decisions that could even mean the difference between living and dying. But I'm pretty sure that what gets me through these times is my experience with and knowledge about driving, and maybe a little bit of luck, and has little to do with how many tests I ever took on unrelated topics.

I was one of those students who did well on tests. Apparently I had a good short-term memory, even for facts I didn't care about. And I did care about grades. That combination made me a strong student. But now, in my post-school life, it looks more like a weakness then a strength. It is a weakness, being afraid to admit to not knowing something. I hate it when I don't know an answer, or when people are talking about something I have never heard of. I expect myself to know everything. Because in the world of school, "I don't know" means you fail. And I almost never failed. The few times I did, it was not acceptable. Now I have to remind myself that it's OK not to know things. I have had to practice saying "I don't know."

But that shouldn't be such a big deal for anyone, because in most real-life situations, it is all right if you don't know all the answers, or even any of the answers. I would even say that you can hope for better results if you can quickly admit that you do not know the answer to a specific question, or the best solution to a problem. Because the best things to know are when you need help and where to go for help. And then you go there. And you ask for help. You are not alone and you don't have to figure things out on your own. Unless you are in school taking a test. Then you're on your own, sorry. Get back to work. You shouldn't even be reading this.

I can't remember the last time, outside of school, when I had to take a test, or even answer one question, where I didn't have time to or wasn't allowed to consult someone else or some technology to help me figure out the answers. So why do we force our children to perform this way on a weekly basis for more than a decade of each of their lives?

---

This video does a nice job of showing a view that differs from those who believe that tests in school (Naplan et al) are important to people who believe in the value of standardized tests as an important indicator of knowledge and skill.

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I'm a Quitter

Vickie Bergman blogs about education and parenting at Demand Euphoria.


Being labeled a quitter is not a good thing. The tendency to quit is a character flaw. It means you give up too easily. It means your parents probably let you quit things when you were a kid. You don't have any sense of commitment. As a parent, you are not supposed to want your child to be a quitter. You can make sure that this will not happen if you don't let your children quit things. Teach them that the commitment is more important than their happiness. Teach them that they might even end up liking something if they stick with it even when they don't want to.

I have known people who played the same sport almost every day for over a decade, from childhood through college, and still struggled with the idea of "quitting" the sport even when it was not bringing any happiness anymore. So it's not ok to quit something if you have only just started, and then it's also not ok to quit something if you have been at it for a while. When IS it ok to quit something? How long are you supposed to give it before you can appropriately decide you have had enough?

I haven't had too much trouble with that question for myself.* In fact, I am proud to be a quitter. I quit the swim team when I broke my arm in 6th grade and realized how much more free time I would have if I didn't swim anymore. I quit taking voice lessons after my instructor humiliated me during a lesson. I quit soccer, softball, tennis, ballet, piano, bass guitar, water polo, two finance jobs, one PhD program and probably a bunch of other things I can't even remember quitting.

My proudest moment as a quitter, though, was when I quit college for a year. I was so tired of school. I was tired of feeling like I had to perform and achieve all the time. I just wanted to live for a little while. And even though I was afraid of what people would think, I did it. I decided a few weeks before what would have been my junior year of college that I just wasn't going back. That decision was the most liberating and empowering decision I have ever made. It helped me to get over some of my fears about what everyone else would say. It was the best year of my life so far.

There are two ways to look at my history of activities. You could look at it and say "Wow, she quit a lot of things." Or you could say "Wow, she tried a lot of things." I tried them. Some for longer than others. Some, I went back to after quitting (like college). Some I have never tried again. I still try things. If I like doing something and it makes me happy, then it belongs in my life. If it doesn't make me happy all the time, but it is worth whatever struggles come with it, then it belongs in my life. But if I can't think of one good reason to keep doing something other than "I just don't want to quit," then it's out.

What if all children could learn from the very beginning that it is all right to quit doing things they don't like? What if they could choose their classes in school? What if they could feel free to change their minds about what they like and feel safe to try new things? They would have more time to find and focus on the things they are actually interested in, and they might just be happy.

*Thanks, Mom and Dad, for letting me quit stuff.

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Reforming Reform - Five Ideas for Improving Education

Vickie Bergman blogs about education and parenting at Demand Euphoria.


A train has advantages over other types of vehicles. It is a highly efficient, consistent, and relatively cheap way to get a lot of people to the same place at the same time. If schooling is like riding a train, as I described in my last post, then schooling is an efficient way to make sure that all students will "get to the same place," educationally, riding on the same tracks at the same pace, right?

Most top-down education reform plans take for granted that the "train model' of schooling is inherently all right. They assume that tweaking the current system will be enough to fix it. The plans usually include at least one form of each of the following points:

1. More time on the train: start younger, extend school days, extend school years, more homework, etc.
2. More rigid timetables: more standardized tests, harder standardized tests, more focused standardized tests.
3. Fancier trains: better technology in classrooms, think "smartboards."

But what if the problem is the model itself? Then no amount of tweaking will make the kinds of big differences people are hoping for.

Even if it were an achievable goal, to make sure all students actually learned and retained everything they were taught in school, and could all end up with the same base of knowledge, would it be a desirable goal? Why do we want everyone to know the same things? To think the same way? Some people think a goal of education is to produce creative, innovative individuals. If this is true, then it is difficult to see how the train model would get us there. Is it possible to encourage students to think creatively while insisting that there is only one right path to follow?

It reminds me of my college application process. If I wanted to go to the college of my choice, they told me, I had to have perfect grades, excel at a sport, be a leader of a club, participate in community service, and hold down a job. Oh yeah, and also be unique. As if it was another item on the to-do list. What time did I have to "be unique" in between all the activities I was doing so I could be easily compared with everyone else? Even when I was sleeping, I dreamed about school. A lot.

The changes that are needed to improve the school experience for our children are big changes, mostly requiring that the train model be thrown out. Speaking as a former child, I can think of a few changes that would have actually made school better for me.

Five ideas for improving education

1. Make school less "all-consuming" of a child's life. Try LESS time in school (rather than longer days/years) and NO homework. Children could have time to find out what makes them tick before they turn 22 and are expected to be supporting themselves.
2. Expand the list of subjects deemed "appropriate" for study and give children freedom to choose how they spend their time in school.  Each child could spend more time getting really good at the things she really likes to do, and waste less time struggling with subjects she doesn't care about at all.
3. Give children freedom to choose their teachers. There is no reason any child should spend time in a classroom with a teacher he doesn't like, or one who does not like him. Imagine if teachers were not judged by standardized test scores, but instead by how many students would choose to spend time with them. I know which teachers from my past would have had full classrooms, and which ones would have no longer had jobs (deservedly).
4. Give teachers freedom to teach things they are passionate about. This might make school more interesting.
5. Stop expecting everyone to be good at all things academic, and STOP giving grades! Especially before high school. This might encourage kids to try different things without being "failed" for making too many mistakes. Remove the culture of fear around making mistakes.

My highly idealistic list of changes would not work with the train model, because all of the children would not be moving in the same direction at the same pace on trains. But I don't see any problems with that.

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All A-bored - Why School is Like Taking A Train to Nowhere

Vickie Bergman blogs about education and parenting at Demand Euphoria.


It's like someone hands you a train schedule when you are five years old, and it shows the plan for every day of the next thirteen to seventeen years of your life. The stops are laid out, the timetable is set.

There is only one set of tracks for your school train. The same for everyone. They tell you this is the only way to get between stops, where you are tested to make sure the train is on schedule. Sometimes you might see a shortcut to the next stop, or a nice sidewalk or winding wooded path running along the tracks. You say "Look, that path goes to the same place we are going anyway. Can I use it instead for a bit?" They say that's not the right way. You have to get there the same way as everyone else, at the same time.

You have to ride the train with all other kids who are the same age as you, whether you like them or not. Sometimes, if your train is small enough, you end up spending years and years with this same group of kids. Even if you hate them, because they treat you like garbage, and make you feel like you don't matter. You might really want to go sit with your sister, who loves you, whose train is a year ahead of you on the tracks, but that is not allowed.

It will be decided for you very early on if you get to sit in the front of the school train or the middle or the back. Once the decision has been made, it will be very difficult to switch cars. You end up feeling like you must be where you belong. All the cars take the same time to move between stops, but the kids in the front always get there first, and the kids in the back always last. It is made quite clear that it's better to get there first.

Sure, there will be some (planned) "destinations" along the way, where you get to get off the train for a set amount of time. Maybe you are one of the lucky kids, for whom weekends and summers are actually destinations, places to stop moving, or at least to move in the vehicle of your own choosing, at your own pace. But maybe you are a kid whose weekends and summers involve more trains, maybe with a choice about which trains to ride, which sport train or which art-or-music-themed train. But still with little or no choice about the direction or the pace.

While riding any train, you have to do what the conductor says. Stop when he wants to stop, go when he wants to go. You might get new conductors every year, and sometimes multiple conductors will rotate through each day. Some of them will be amazing people, who will inspire you. Others will be mean, make you feel stupid. They all have different expectations of how the ride is supposed to go. You are expected to know this, and adapt to each one. To know what each one requires of you and be able to give it, even on your worst days. If you don't follow the rules on the train, they might kick you off. You might be relieved that you are getting off, until you realize they are only taking you to another train.

You watch the real world fly by you out the windows, and it looks like a blur. You might catch a glimpse of something that looks interesting and say, "Excuse me, can we stop for a minute? I saw something cool out there." But they say they can't make unplanned stops. That would make the whole train late. When you finally realize how futile it is to ask, you might find ways to sneak off and get to a destination on your own. Or you might just stop looking out the window.

The worst part of these train rides is where they drop you off at the end: your parents' house! This whole time, they were telling you how important it was to stay on schedule. Now you are back where you started. With a lot of knowledge about riding trains, and maybe not much else. They say go now, find your passion. You say "Now? But that's what I wanted to do all along and you... Never mind."

At this point, you might find that you are one of the really lucky ones who has managed to figure out at least one thing you are passionate about in school or in spite of school. Good for you.

Or you might get off at this point and have no idea how to live off of a train. You might have forgotten that it's even possible to live without a train, a timetable, a conductor. You will keep hopping from job train to job train, hoping to find one that makes you happy, or at least one that doesn't make you miserable. Or maybe you will stay on one that makes you miserable, because you realize that they are all inherently the same. It's just easier to stay on the one you're already on.

Or you might get off a train at 18 or 22 or 25 or 35, and say "Wow. That sucked." You might spend the rest of your life trying to avoid trains. You might be able to make up for the time you lost, and find some passion after all. Good luck to you.

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Editor's note: Vicki Bergman eloquently summarizes the issue many of us had with traditional schooling.  Vicki is an unschooling mom who will be sharing her insights here on The Innovative Educator blog. Check out Vicki's blog, Demanding Euphoria where she explains why for her family, happiness isn't enough.  She "Demands Euphoria" and provides insights into how unschooling is a key ingredient to achieving her demands.

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